Will someone please tell OurDad Easter is not about sex-- so we can start our Easter Egg Hunt.
We got up nice and early for our Egg Hunt and OurDad got all mad. "So if I put a few hard boiled eggs on the bus you'd never be late for school again, right?"
We tried bargaining for the plastic ones with chocolates inside when OurDad asked, "What do eggs have have to do with Jesus anyway?"
We didn't know. We just wanted to start our Egg Hunt, but he wouldn't get out of bed, and we can't start with out him.
"If you can tell me what eggs have to do with Jesus, I'll get up." We didn't know, and he knew we didn't know. We'd been set up again-trapped, and if we wanted an Egg Hunt we'd have to endure another of OurDad's lectures. There was no point delaying the inevitable so we asked, "Gee dad what do eggs have to do with Jesus?"
"I'm so glad you asked," he said, and we braced for the worst. "Nothing! What is an egg?"
The GirlGhild answered, "A baby chicken."
"Right, if it's a chicken's egg," he corrected. "So an egg, a baby bird, is a fertility symbol."
I was happy to leave it at that and start our Egg Hunt, but the GirlChild had to ask, "What's fertility?" Now I was ready to go back to bed. I almost hit her, and I should have.
"Fertility, it's about making babies so Easter is about sex," he said.
"No it's not," we said in unison as my stomach began to churn. Making babies eeew gross.
Oh you don't think so eeh? So what's a bunny got to do with Jesus?" He'd done it again.
"We don't care! Can't we just find the eggs?" we begged.
It's another fertility symbol--bunnies make lots of babies that means they have lots of sex." Gross making babies and sex, eeeew. I started to break out into a sweat. I couldn't make him stop. I was getting sick even before I got to gorge on chocolates. He was ruining Easter, just so he could stay in bed.
Of course it was 6 am.
That's Our Dad...
About Me
- SourDad
- The Boy Child (5/16/96) and the Girl Child (7/2/98) live in Michigan with Great Mom, BUT Sour Dad now lives in Missery. He's now a zero-time Dad and full-time goof-off or rather assistant professor whose kids are would like him to return to being at least a part-time stay-at-home parent. Idle no more science Ph.D. we just hope he'll toss the literary aspirations and stick to grading student papers instead of trying to imitate the likes of Roth, Twain, Kafka, Vonnegut, Orwell, McCort, Magnuson, Sedaris, and Boyle all at the same time.
1 comment:
Satan wins!
Children all over America would rather perform pagan sex rites than celebrate the resurrection of Jesus.
He may have died a tortuous death for all of our sins, but until he starts hawking chocolates figurines of himself he's going to be second banana on Easter.
Oh wait someone did make a Chocolate Jesus called Sweat Jesus, but the exhibition was canceled. Was it outraged Christian fundamentalists or closet pagans that saw this as a clear threat to chocolate bunnies and the sex rites of Easter? Yes I'm calling fundies pagans. Or maybe the fundies are upset because a chocolate Jesus is by definition the wrong color. But maybe I reading too much into it. Perhaps the Christians have a problem with people eating Jesus. But it's ok to eat Jesus for communion?
America is so weird on sex, except for my boy who gets queasy at the mention of the word. He actually threw up in class during the 4th grade sex ed lesson last year. First a vasectomy and now this; my line has ended.
Why should I get out of bed there's nothing for me to celebrate on Pagan Fertility Day.
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